my life is damn sian..

i was at the AJ concert just an hour ago. the whole thing to me felt very strange. it was a very unfamiliar feeling. it reminded me of the concert held by nanhua every year. the feeling was totally different. i knew alot of ppl back then. just a moment ago, i felt lost, felt like i don belong to that place. i remember, the performance back in nanhua last year. it was my very last year attending this concert as a nanhuarian. enjoyed the performance and went to had supper with colin, justin, zhipeng and phayc. today, at the republic concert hall, the whole time, i felt like i was, alone and lost. my friends were with me, but then, i could feel the loneliness. while i was watching the dance performance, it reminded me of her. i really wanted to leave the concert hall, i could not bear to let the memories flashback again. but then, i continued watching. i almost teared, as i recall how i try to look for her everytime she was on stage, how i enjoyed seeing her dancing. then, i started to miss her terribly again because i feel that there was no one i could go to. when we seperated, i couldnt bear to let go. because, she wasnt just another girlfriend. she was someone that i knew i could go to. everyone told me, mayb it is really time to let go and start anew. she is ready to do that, but i wasnt. i have been trying to make friends, but then, it couldnt help much. ppl may saw, when i really need someone to talk to, i could look for them, give them a call, text them, ask them out. but then, they are just different from her. i know as friends, they would try their best to cheer me up. but then, it was still different. i could go to her anytime, she can really make me feel different, she made me feel like i am a person that someone really needs. she would come to tell me about many things between her friends and family. i feel like i was needed, i felt the importance of my existence in this very world. my friends, they care for me, they would try to be there when i really need someone, but then, they are still just my friends and i am just a friend to them. they wouldnt look for me unnecessarily. i wont be the one closest to them or when they need someone to talk to. when she left me, i felt like i was brought back to the same place where i am just another person living in this world for no purpose. people can say, i am important to my family, yes, they are important to me as well, but then, its the feeling that they can give me. it is just different. i miss her terribly. i did try to let go and till now i m still trying, there is progress, but then, it seemed like this pain is forever going to stay in my heart. i even tried to talk to another person, text the person more often, but then, it still doesnt rlly help. it just felt different. i might be feeling this way because she is my first true relationship, my first true love. but then, it is because of so much more. the bond that i have with her, with her family, it made my life different, it made this relationship different to me. it was something i would never expect myself to have. i did committed mistakes, awful mistakes, and i regretted it. i hate myself for those actions. i miss her. loneliness knows me by my name, and it comes knocking at my door everyday.