my life is damn sian..

mid years are just around the corner, i really need to focus on my revision, but then somehow, sometimes i just cant. today was studying myself at starbucks. the whole time just really couldnt focus. kept thinking of somethings. met isaac at BPplaza just before dinner, together with san peng and marcus ang. they started talking about their church chalet during the past few days, laughing away talking about the stupid and lame stuff they did, kinda funny actually. i am happy for my brother, he found a place where he feels happy at, that is with his fellow church friends. somehow, initially, i was kind of unhappy that he got so crazy over his religion, but then, i found out later, that it had changed him for the better, and he is happy, which is good. to me, he has found a place where he belongs, a place where his heart, soul and mind is dedicated to, for something good. sometimes i wonder, where do i belong? during the sec 1 and 2, i felt happy with the basketballers, and horn!5, but then now, we are seperated goinf different schools, kind of difficult to meet up sometimes. it wasnt like how we used to be. during sec 3 and 4, i found someone special. i finally felt the importance of my existence, together with a group of new friends, her friends actually, but i felt there are people who will ask me out whenever there was an outing. however, that was in the past. since she and i seperated, not only the 2 of us drift apart, i drifted apart from the others as well. but then, all along, the whole group of us, i was the only non-nanhua dancer. so sometimes, somehow, feel kind of out of place. the only time i felt like... i have found a place, or someone, where i am useful. making her happy, i felt i was important. but then, that was in the past. now, although i have many friends as well, but then, it wasnt the same feeling. i just missed that feeling. where u finally felt like there is someone out there who really really needs you, and wants to be with you. till now, i never believed that there would be someone like her in my life when we were together. just now when i was with isaac and sanpeng, i felt like i was out of place. although they are all my good friends, but then, when they were talking about their church stuff, felt like i am kind of extra. she was the only one, that was able to make me felt like my existence was needed. it has already been 3 months and 2 days. i still cant get over it. the look on her face when i give her a kiss on her nose when she is sneezing like crazy, when she smiles at me, when she hold me in her arms telling me how much she misses me. i cant get over it. when we were together, whenever i close my eyes, i would think that i got her, still cant believeing i found someone like her. now, whenever i close my eyes, i think of her, but she aint around me anymore. i wonder why, this feeling came back so strongly recently, maybe coz 22/06 just past. when you see this, i know you just wish i could forget everything, but then there is always still something left inside my head, no matter how hard i try to forget about it. i heard the laughter, i tasted the tears and bitterness, but, i cant even get near you, i cant even see you. all this while, i didnt care how we going to survive this romance together, in the end if i am with you, i will take the chance. we had our once in a lifetime, i know a second once in a lifetime is too much to ask for but... it is still up to you. but then, guess it didnt go that way. if ever you're in my arms again, i swear i will love you so much better. if i was given the chance. the greatest mistake i made, was forgetting that loving her is to see her happy. i know, i still love you so...