my life is damn sian..

another day in eugene's life. was playing basketball not long ago and got into a little misunderstanding with a guy. shot like 110 three pointers. but then, when i play on the court, it seemed like i am so... useless? cant do anything right in my life i guess. no, not guess, i REALLY cant do anything right in my life. i was playing ball just now after the three pointer practice, my leg hurts, from my thigh to my ankle. after playing 2 matches, it seemed like i couldnt go on. i was pushing myself hard, trying to think of a motivation to push myself. but i cant. just around 2 months ago, it was her, but then now, it seemed like i cant find anything. trying to tell myself i must make it to next year's school team, but then i feel so incompetent compared to everyone else on the court. i was looking at everyone, thinking, with my standards, will i even make it to the team? it doesnt seem so. i have not been doing anything right in my life, from studies, to basketball, to relationship, friendship, and being a filial son. just a few months ago i lost something precious to me, her. from then on, i tried to pick myself up, telling myself there are friends around me who are supporting me, i could, but then, this time, it was something more than brought me down. all along, i have never thought i could achieve anything in my life. being able to get a wonderful girlfriend back then was one of greatest accomplishment, i felt i was important and i could do something. back then my basketball werent very good as well. so were my studies. in the past, in the present, i felt the same way. now in AJC, it seemed like i am not the kind for JC education. i'm not smart, even if i listen in class i cant understand, even if i ask again sometimes i cant understand. now during the holidays, the stacks of homework and ten year series is driving me nuts. i didnt want to start on any of my homework. one word, stress. mid years are coming. homework to do, topics and subjects to revise. what is this holiday supposed to be? study camp? i only have 3 wks left. everytime i look at the pile of homework i have, i cant push myself to do it, my brain is not cooperating. in the past, i felt the same way, especially last year. it was the O Levels. the stress was killing me. but then, there was one thing, one very special thing that kept me going on, her. all i could think of is spending time with her, thats what pushed me to study hard and got an OK result. now, it is like i am in the same scenario, the only difference, there is no motivation to study, and stress is piling up day after day. i lost her, i felt, unimaginably terrible. my friends tried to help me, i appreciate it, i carry smiles on my face, so as not to disappoint them and enjoy their companionship, knowing they are the only few important people i have left. i tried to tell myself, "Finish homework can go out, watch tv, play basketball." but then, going out, watch tv, are simple things that i can always do. basketball? i told my other friends, i die die must get into school team, but then after today, i felt like it seemed impossible. i cant find anything to push me to play my best and past my limits. it was my passion, but then, there is always still something to drive me back then in nanhua, that's her. she looking down from the hall, during my practices, i told myself i must make her proud. when i am really tired during practices, i told myself i must not let her down, and not let my teammates down, i went all the way. i have lost that motivation. thought everything else in my life would go on smoothly, but then, my studies and basketball seemed to be pretty screwed up as well. i dunno whether she is trying to avoid me or she is just busy. i have stopped contacting her. just sms her occasionally. but then, i still cant stop myself from thinking of her, looking at my msn messenger, looking at my facebook, see if she is online. i am trying my best to let her go, let everything past me like a breeze of wind. hoping other factors in my life would be able to replace the hole in my heart. it doesnt seemed that way. i still miss her, her smile still appears in my mind, when i sleep, when i day dream. in the past, i felt so relaxed when speaking to her, feels like there is air of amiability around her. i could go to her whenever i feel stress. during my weeks in school when we were still together, i would look forward to the fact that i can see her, no there seemed to be nothing to look forward to. mayb friends? i know i could still go to my friends, they can be my very best friends, my best buddies and brothers, but then there is still a difference, there is still a limit to what they can do. having lost the one person that was so precious to me, i was hoping everything else would go well, but then, it doesnt seemed that way. everything seemed to be, negative. study stress, piles and piles of homework, incompetence in basketball. nothing seemed to be going well in my life, everything is a mess. when i thought i could get out of this dark period, i am drawn back in again, with nothing, no ropes or strings, for me to pull myself up again.