my life is damn sian..

at this very moment i am at my friend's house waiting for them to reach so we could start on our pw. i am surfing the net and using facebook. then, i saw the updates showing albums posted by her. i could see those pictures, i could see her face. everytime when i see her face, it still hurts badly deep within me. i still miss how she used to smile at me and how she used to whine. i hate myself, for making myself lose such a wonderful thing. i dont know who to go to when i feel this way, because no one could make me feel the same she did to me. i miss that feeling. who is going to take her place? i dont think there will be anyone. there is a saying, you love someone for their differences. she was different from everyone else in so many ways. when i start talking about this again, i can imagine people reading this to feel so bored because i've been saying the same thing over and over again. they can be scolding me stupid. but then, i really dont know what to do with myself. i asked her out, before the holidays. but i guess she really just do not wish to meet me. i dont blame her. maybe my friends were right, maybe she just want a clean break. so clean that i doubt we can be friends anymore. when we broke up, she said we could still be best friends, but then, it seemed like maintaining as friends will be a difficult task. as much as i do not want to give up, like how colin not giving up on yueli, like how zixin not giving up on shilei. but then, she is not talking to me. i still can remember, around 3 months ago, she was still sitting beside me holding my hand, lying on my shoulder. on the bus 30 back to her house. i miss her. still miss her day and night. i dont what to say anymore. i dont want to stop typing. i want to keep typing, keep writing so i can pour what all my pain and misery into this blog, but i dont what to say. i would still be saying the same thing over and over again. it is going to be 3 months, people are saying i am taking too long to let it go. i dont know how long this is going to last. a year or 2? my friends are saying that surely i would find a new girlfriend by this year. is it possible? will she be like her? even if i could find a direct replica of her, it will definitely be different. the tears have dried up. i cant pour out my misery through crying. it is all trap deep inside my heart, and i am feeling very miserable. everynight when i lie on my bed, i will always recall how i used to lie down beside her seeing her sleep. we had the same size bed. my friends are all encouraging me to get out off this, to pull myself together. i have, compared to how i was initially. but then, this pain and misery i feel, i have no idea how i can ever remove it. sometimes, i thought i have stopped missing her already, but then, the image of her reappears in my head again. how do i stop thinking of her? force myself to like someone else? it is wrong to me, and it doesnt feel right. i cant find back the feeling of love anymore. sometimes, it is very difficult to sleep at night. i still have dreams about her. sometimes i wonder, does she still think about me? does she still care? she seemed to be living pretty well without me. i cant focus on my studies. whenever i see homework i just feel like dying. trying to message some other girls, i dont feel right. sometimes, i just hope i can just keep playing basketball, keep playing arcade, so i wont have to think of her, i can tire myself out, go home and fall asleep immediately. so i wont have to think of anything. what can i look forward to that can really destress me from school? it seemed like nothing can besides her. meeting her and talking to her made me feel very comfortable and relaxing. i have not felt that for a very long time. everytime i feel lost, confused. feel like paying her family a visit, paying her a visit, doesnt seemed like a good idea. everytime is telling me that. i thought we could really last forever, i never see the worse coming. after giving in my all, i thought everything would be alright after a period of time. isaac says that without girls, we have the freedom and we do not have to worry about them. but then, this freedom, is it really something good? i dont know what to do with this freedom from girls, especially when i have mid years and holiday assignments. i couldnt find the motivation to do many things. i saved up money, hoping i can spend it on her, on us, so that she could be happy. now, i dont even feel like spending money to go shopping. i lost the immense feel to eat. i lost the feel to do everything. i want to meet up with my friends everyday, but they arent free everyday. my cousin say the day you can really forget about her is the day when i find another, but then, can i open my heart to another? my heart is trapped and enclosed within this barrier of the past. to overcome it, is still something i have been trying to accomplished. we used to go watch movies together, i would want to watch all the movies with her. now, there are so many movies i want to watch, but then, it seemed like i cant find anyone to watch with. i still miss her. does she? i still want her back, does she? i am still hoping for my miracle to happen one day. i have nothing to do now. i feel like playing minesweeper. she was the one that taught me how to play minesweeper. we would play it together when i am at her house and when we are terribly bored. whenever i feel like playing now, whenever i am playing, she comes to my mind. i miss her so much, so terribly much. the emptiness and loneliness, the pain and misery...