my life is damn sian..

today is a special day. very special day. exactly 2 yrs ago, one of the greatest thing happened in my life, i found her. this day, 2 years later, i have already lost her. it is also wanying's birthday, so happy birthday. just about 3 months ago, i was hoping a miracle would happened today, but, nothing. just an ordinary day. i was at starbucks today, studying with a friend of mine. then i saw phionna. suddenly, she told me she was going to meet her this week. i dont know if she is just very busy, but it seemed like she just dont want to talk to me, i understand, she wants a clean break... nvm. phionna text me, apologizing to me that she mentioned about the past. she mentioned she will ask her to eat her meals regularly. i would always ask her to eat more, and eat regularly, because she always doesnt. phionna text me again, saying "i dont know whether she'll ever change her mind on day, but i guess you can always hang on until you find someone else. even if she doesnt meet up with you much and replies your msges, i'm sure she still knows that you still care for her alot. at least she knows that even if everything goes wrong, you'll still be there for her right!" after reading this, uncontrollably, i began tearing, again. i tried stopping it, but i just cant. my friend was just sitting in front of me, i didnt want to let anyone see me in that state, i bent down my head. in my head, i am thinking, will she really think the way phionna said she will? will she? will she really come to me when everything really goes wrong? i am prepared to do so, but will she approach me then. to me, i just feel, maybe she is just not ready to commit. will she still come back to me when she feels that she is ready? i really hope so. hope for it so much that sometimes i can still imagine, one day she approaches me, asking to be together again, and i was so happy, no, more than happy, undescribable happiness. but then, it was just my imagination. but then, right after this, i remembered her saying to me on msn, she will only consider to patch with me if she still feel something special, but, she said, she doesnt feel it now. it hit me hard, quite hard. my only hope, shattered. somehow, in my heart, i am still praying everyday, hoping for a miracle to happen. when phionna text those words to me, it made me miss her so much all of a sudden, that unbearably, i teared. it has been months since i last teared. on this day, 22nd JUNE 2009, if supposedly, those things didnt happen, it would be our 2nd year already. but then, it's a IF. i wont force her to talk to me, i wont force her to meet up with me, because i know she doesnt want to, or she has better things to do. she has found that other things in her life are more important. if she every find someone new, who cares for her more than i do, i would give her my blessings. at least now, i know she is happy. they say when you love someone, all you want is for her to happy. i think i forgot about it a few months ago. thats why she left me i guess. i miss her still... but it is not going to change anything i guess. my friends want me to just forget about her, but, i just cant. i tried, and i cant. occasionally, she appears in my mind. but then, there is nothing much i can do. right now at this very moment, i see her online on msn, but i dont know what to say to her. worrying she will just ignore me, worrying i will just irritate her. maybe, she would be happy if i just leave her alone. she must have been busy with her touch rugby training nowadays, heard she slimmed down. i hope she is eating her meals regularly, and eat more, she doesnt look nice if she is too thin, a little plump would be nicer. hope she rest well and enough as well. now, i wont be there to nag at her anymore, although i know i am quite naggy. her life seemed so much better without me, guess i have been a hindrance. hope she have a wonderful 22nd JUNE 2009.