my life is damn sian..

today i took my first paper, GP. easier than i expected but then still think i going to fail badly, didnt know what was i writing the whole time. trying to get some early rest last night, but then i couldnt. thought i was already preoccupied with my mid years, but actually the whole time i was just deceiving myself. i cant get my mind off it. twist and turn on my bed, still cant get myself to sleep. when i stop turning, it starts to hurt, deep within me. thought it would just be a short sharp pain, but it wasnt. it was like a knife stabbed deep inside me, and pulling out the knife hoping the wound would heal, but it is actually bleeding profusely. tried to distract myself, think of after this week, what i can do, meet up with friends. but it didnt work out. nothing worked. this pain, was unbearable. i cant forgive myself, i caused everything, did the wrong, suffer the punishment, bear with the consequences. it hurt so bad, i started to tear. its like i am scolding myself in my heart, how stupid and foolish i can be. telling myself how much it hurts, and i guess i deserve it. when was the last time i cried so terribly... couldnt recall, crying so unmanly, but it happened. i am useless i guess. the same old useless me, not being able to do anything right in my life. totally nothing. right now i am studying, trying my very best to focus, but then, i really do not have the mood to study. just reading through the notes. in the past, when i am studying at home, i know i have to complete my revision, so that i could call her, talk to her. listening to her voice made me felt more relaxed. cool me down from studying stress. now, not much stress, just worry what would be the questions tomorrow, and the pain that does not seemed to go away, but piles up everyday. like in the past, when i turn on my laptop, msn window pops up, and in the past i would immediately just typed for "p" to see if she is online. now i just slowly scroll down the msn window, in my heart, i dont know whether i wish to see her there or not. now, slowly scrolling down the window, i see that she is online. should i talk to her, should i just leave her alone. i know she is avoiding me, i dont blame her, she is doing what she thinks is right. but then, when i see her online, and yet i cant talk to her, it hurts even more. somehow, even speech through online, indirect speech, which seemed so near, yet so far beyond my reach. recently isaac was asking me to go vivo. how long has it been since i went to vivo. about a year ago, it was the place that i went to most often. now, i just didnt dare to mention that place or go near that place. didnt really want to go there. trying to avoid it. what to do with myself, i dont know. distraction doesnt seemed to work anymore for me. whats left? sometimes i wonder, does she still thinks of me. i even imagined, somehow, the day, the very day she decided to come back to me, how it will be like. it seemed so real, so attainable, but then looking at the present state, it seemed impossible. thinking again, i was just day dreaming. this morning i messaged several of my friends along with a chain sms, wishing them all the best for their mid years, i didnt know if i should include, worry it will irritate her. i didnt. till the very last moment, before i reach school and enter the classroom, i took out my phone and sent her a message, wishing her all the best. hope she got it. tomorrow is my economics paper, think i going to flunk it as well. hope for the best i guess, hope i remember everything and hope i can get my sleep tonight, it is a morning paper. all the best to everyone taking their next paper tomorrow as well. i miss her.