my life is damn sian..

i know, she doesnt want to see me, doesnt want to face me. till when, i dont know. might take a lifetime. i know, its all just part of my wishful thinking, keep having these stupid images of a miracle appearing. its never going to happen i guess. i know, everyone is concern, and i should be letting go. but somehow, i just cant. maybe she doesnt know. all she knows is, she just want me to forget it. perhaps, she doesnt realise how much everything means to me, and how difficult it is for me to let go. i am trying my very best, i really am. but then, my effort seemed to useless. to look back is something i know she will nvr do. for all this, is just my part of wishful thinking. to open my heart and let someone new in, thats something i dont think i can do. perhaps, it just going to be now. but then, it seemed like this feeling going to last in me forever. if she should ever find someone new, i hope that he will be good to you, better than i've been. but if he doesnt, i hope she will release, i'll still be there. it has been 3 months, and it has still been the same. the only thing, the tears have gone dry. it doesnt come that often anymore. the pain stays, aching my heart every now and then. is this being too reliant on her, or just obssessed with her? no, neither. never was my feelings for her in this manner. i hope she still think of the nice things i have done for her. and maybe, remember me. i miss her, till this very day. i regretted not being able to bring her to the places i wanted to bring her to, not being able to bake a cake for her when i could. i just learnt how to make mango cheesecake, but then, even if i baked it for her, she wont appreciate like she would in the past. i regretted not using the time with her well. so much regrets, and yet, no chance of turning back. till this very moment, i am still thinking of her. everytime the msn pop-ups, showing she is online. i cant do anything. talk to her? she doesnt want to talk to me. she is trying to make me forget. i am still asking myself, does she still have feelings for me. the time when we broke up, the answer was yes. now, just 3 months later, what would the answer be? just a month plus after we broke up, she told me, the feeling aint the same anymore. felt like the world is falling on me. back in sec 3, she was still asking me if she should patch with a jerk whom she broke up with a few months ago, it was during sec 3. so have i been something worse than him? from the looks of it, perhaps i have. people say, i am nice... i never thought so. jerk like me, no one will ever fancy. she was the only one that made me felt, someone appreciates me, and feel something strong for me. made me felt needed. lost that feeling. i miss it, i miss her. perhaps, hoping she would turn back, is all part of wishful thinking.