my life is damn sian..

just a couple of hours ago, 4th July, was colin's birthday, so happy birthday colin. from what i heard he had a pretty entertaining and fulfilling day with yueli. seeing them together, i feel happy for them, but at the same time, felt kinda envious. hope he had a wonderful birthday. for me, i spent the whole of ytd's midnight, which is 4th july 12am onwards, at marcus house, playing mahjong till 6am. and from losing ten bucks to winning six dollars. played two rounds. came back in the afternoon and went out around 5 to meet jane, amanda, joel, chowler, marcus, nachi. went to haji lane for sheesha, but didnt really try because didnt felt like. maybe i should try next time. speaking about haji lane, how long has it been since i went there. quite long i guess. usually only go there with her because she likes to go and look at the items they selling there. one of her brother's friend has a shopt there, so she also always go there. when i was there today, at haji lane, walking past the same road in the middle of the shop houses, somehow i recall the times we were there, and there was once when she was looking for a bag and we spent nearly the whole day there, and she didnt buy anything. and she bought a pair of palms there, turquoise with a ribbon, but not the kind of bright turqouise, and its rlly nice and she loves it, so i wanted to buy for her, but she insisted she only allow me to pay half. this usually happens, i usually end up only paying half for the stuff i want to buy for her. and i will end up buying alot of stuff for her. wonder if she is still using them, hope she is. and the first time me and her were there, we got lost on the way there in a cab, could really find the exact haji lane, so ended up turning rounds. as much as i dont want to talk about her, she keeps appearing in my mind. i am still stuck in that past, that i cant let go. i really have been trying so very hard, to forget about her. i dont know how to make this feeling stop. my heart is taking control of me, and i cant help it. as i am now, drinking my cup of ribena mixed with raspberry vodka. just now when we were drinking, jane, marcus, nachi and joel were talking about poly stuff and also clubbing stuff and their related friends. i felt like, i was totally out of the topic. i am not blaming them. just thinking, no matter how much i want to be living like them, go clubbing, dancing, drinking, staying out late, i cant. because i felt like it wasnt me. i didnt know what to add in or comment on or even say anything when they were talking about it. i didnt know anyone or anything. then what is my life? it was once about her. when with her, we would do the usual stuff like shopping, eating, watching tv and no need to go out so late. but it was when i was with her. nowadays, no one asks me out. i don have her anymore, my life has become kind of boring. i really miss her, but does she? i dont know. i still believe, to find someone that loves you truely is very very difficult, and to have lost this person belivesis veyr ddiccusing . somehow, i jsut iwished she was the minister. if she fot perosn,. haiz. does eh belives me and gimme abir did. i miss her alot. hope shje does too.