my life is damn sian..

just finish watching a very long wimbledon finals between rodger federer and andy roddick, and R.Fed emerged the winner, creating history of the player with most grand slams winner. incredible. somehow, i hope i can be abit as talented in the sport i play as they were in tennis. that way, i could just practically spend more time on it, maybe one day even live on it. but then, its singapore, these kind of sports dreams are just... dreams. today, i decided to stay at home and watch some dvds with my family. but then, this morning, somehow on the car, my emotions got over me. i missed the way she would ask me to hold her in my arms, hug her tightly. seriously, am i ever going to let it go? sometimes i just ask myself why cant i go it. ohhh... just as my msn signed in now, i slowly scroll down the list and found her online. hope she is doing fine. but then, she must be living great, greater than ever. today, i had a terrible headache, just after dinner i had to lie down on the sofa and take a nap. she would've sms or call me to ask if i was ok. although telling her and letting know would just make her worry, but then somehow, when there is someone special being especially concern about you, it would make it less painful. but then, there wasnt anyone. about yesterday when i out at night with my friends, i saw jane's friends. sry if i mentioned their names. claire and jonathan, they are great, look great together, love each other. you know looking at them playing pool together, how i wish i had one more chance with her, to ask her out and do all the things i want to do with her. we always played pool at the mount faber safra. together with jieming and everyone else. i always told her i wanted to bring her to many places and eat the nice food. but then, i never was able to do so. places are quite far and i wasnt really sure on how to get there. but i really wanted to bring her there. i missed the chances to do so many things with her. i wanted to go overseas together with her, celebrate every birthday with her, i even love the time when i was brainstorming for her birthday present. trying to save money, just to buy her whatever she likes. that was an important part of my life, was. looking at claire and jon holding hands, staying close together, it's great, i am happy for them. holding her hands, i never got tired of it. looking at her, i never got tired of it. spending time, effort, money on her, felt that every thing was worthwhile. people always ask, how long have you been together with her, i answered, about a year plus. some would ask, dont you get tired being with the same person for so long? why would i? if the person is someone you really love, why get tired of it? i cant get enough of her. especially the way she sometimes getting so worked out and mad over me not taking my meals, not taking care of myself, getting sick, etc. she would like get so pissed off and start scolding me. ahh, that was the time i really understand, (direct translation from chinese)when they scold you, it shows they really love you. now, yeah, saying getting less scolding from someone is good, but then inside me, it aint feeling good at all. i wonder why i cant be like my friends, feeling the freedom without any relationships issues. i just cant. these freedom, its too much for me. sometimes, i am just so free. isaac couldnt possibly be with me everytime. somehow, i just wish she was still here, i could spend time with her. but then, it seemed like all these are just wishes. wishes that may never seemed to come true. recently i heard somethings about people wooing her. thats great news for her actually. mayb she could find someone new soon, someone better than me. even the time when we broke up, she told me that i am a nice guy, and i could find someone better. she always tell me that. but then, can i? i am sure she could find someone, she deserves someone so much better. i think my friends around me, those who knew her and i, hope we would seperate i guess. when the broke up was brought up, i really hoped, someone could help me talk her out of it. i dont know it anyone did try, but then, even if they didnt, i dont blame them. they felt that it was better for her, because i have been holding her on too tightly i guess. i wasnt being very nice to her. to me, she seemed like she is gone for good, trying to stay away from me as much as possible, but then, in me, i still cant forget about her. the times we spend together at vivo, in town, at sentosa. watching movies, eating popcorn, cheesedogs, white dogs cafe at vivo, food republic, and many, many, many more. can i really find someone like her? i dont know. can she find someone better, i am sure she can. seriously, if i really cant let go off this, it shall stay with me forever then. although i have friends and family, somehow, i still i am alone. and one day, i might live to be a loner. it hurts so badly sometimes to even think of her, see something about her, see something that reminds me of her. the feelings i have for her was strong then, it is still as strong now. i miss you.