my life is damn sian..

just yesterday i managed to meet up with yiyan, rachel and marcus. but at the same time missed the chance to meet up with zhipeng and the others. visited the new ion at orchard which was damn big and we concluded as we go up to the higher levels, the prices of the products get higher as well. managed to catch up with marcus about his school and his life. he told me that he could not find a group of friends that really can always hang out with him. he mentioned a very important point, "the friends that he has now, they can do with or without him." yeah, i had the same feeling as well. friends around me, it seemed like whether you are there with them or not, it doesnt make a difference. sometimes, i just feel like having someone to talk to me, but then i understand at this time, everyone is busy, with school work, pw and many other stuff. sometimes, i just feel very lonely. looking at my phone, looking at the contact list, looking at msn, seemed like there is no one i can go to. when i mention i am lonesome, my friends will tell me "no, you have me and all the friends around you!" i know that. i understand i have many friends around me, but then, still, they are just friends, and they cant always be there for me when i really need someone there. one of the reasons i have so much difficulty letting go of the past is because she gave me the sense of security, making me felt that there would always be someone there for me, whenever i needed someone to talk to, i could always text her, call her. whatever i feel like doing, i could always ask her out and we would have great time. ever since i entered nanhua back when i was sec 1, i had my group of close friends, my clique, HORN!5 zixin yonghui guanzhi vincent and many more of my classmates, and also heshuang and the girls. i was also in basketball, with marcus chowler songming and many more of my close friends. but then, it always feels like i am stuck in the middle. i was from the tablet pc class with zixin and others, while basketball with the non-tablet pc classes, marcus and the rest. there was always the gap between me and both groups. i never really had the sense of security. then i got to know her and life started to change for the better. but then, it didnt end in a way i hoped it would. she leaving me, made me sink back into that feeling i once had. and now, even worse than ever before. i wasnt with the same group of friends anymore. all my close friends went to different schools. i made new friends in my new jc but then, really never felt like you were needed, but just being there. all my friends are great, but then, i never really felt needed. i am just another friend. sometimes really feel so lonesome. when i am stress, wishing there was someone i could go to, in the past there was her i could go to, now, besides isaac, it seemed like there is no one i could go to. even isaac has own life, i cant always go looking for him. i wonder if she ever understand this. she always has and will have friends around her, her close friends and more. there will always be people around her. she would never have to worry about issues and problems i face. but its a good thing for her. for now, perhaps i really have to get used to being alone. i am trying my best to let go of the past, and i am really getting better, so much better, just sometimes when i really hope there was someone there for me, to talk to me, text me, i really wished, not just for anyone, but for her to be right there for me, right there beside me. but then, as i said, it's just hoping. and it seemed like it can never come true. i never really like being alone. yesterday, when i went back to nanhua, mr chia still asked if i was with her. when i replied that we seperated, he gave a very shocked expression, and seemed like he didnt know what to say. sometimes, i just wonder, am i destined to be just like this...