my life is damn sian..

it has been a long time since i really put my heart into posting. i have had enough of just thinking about how you feel and what you think. so what if you will only be my friend when i totally forget about you. because i know even if i really do forget about you, you wont be my friend anymore. anyway, since it has been so long since i post something, i think no one would be reading anymore. sometimes it is not that i want to think about her. sometimes it is not that i want to think the past. i am happy for her that she has found someone else that she prefer, someone i guess who would make her happy. something i guess i couldnt do. it has just been six months. cant say that it is too long, cant really say that it is too short either. when i learnt that she found someone new, i cant helped but think, after being together for nearly two years, you could just let go off everything, and also found someone new. i know i shouldnt be thinking about all these unnecessary things. it just made me feel like, what we have gone through together, after what i have done for you, what you have done for me, what we did together, everything was replaced by someone new, quite soon? i should be happy for her that she could move on, and indeed, i am happy for her. it felt like, i am just a nobody i guess. maybe just another person that appeared in her life, made her happy for awhile, and got replaced by someone else. i dont blame her, i blame myself, for being so useless, and so incompetent. i wasnt able to keep her heart. when i told people about what had happened, some of them told me, perhaps she just didnt have that kinda feeling she had for you that she had initially when we first started. does it mean she is just putting on a mask the whole of this year? i couldnt believe it. i dont believe that she would do this to me. she was able to let go and move on so quickly and found someone else, just made me felt even worse. it made me felt like our relationship was.... nothing. just a status? all along, i felt that we were something that everyone would be jealous and envious of. really made me feel like i am just another guy being made used of. what would be i good at? or even jus ok at nothing in presently... or nothing ever in my life? many people told me many things, things that i couldnt believe you would do. i dont know what she was thinking then? was it just purely because i was too possesive? or something else? that she really didnt had feelings for me anymore, jus putting on a mask the whole time? i really dont wish to believe it was so. sometimes, i do still wish that i could turn everything around, but she already have someone else. hearing that she is attached again, made me reflect on myself. am i really that useless? am i just another... person in her life? when all along i thought i was someone special. all the moments we spent together, i really want it to keep them as sweet memories. but then, presently, i dont even know if they were real. or was i just another sotong? what is the truth? what was she treating me as? i thought i had done enough to assure that we could go all the way. but it didnt turn out the way i wanted. yet i lose her to someone else. even worse, i dont know the truth. was i really the idiot? was everytihng that happened real? or just fake? i guess i am just another idiot, just another useless guy who she perhaps, had to carry a mask just to please, or just that i did something so wrong, or maybe she really just fell in love with another guy in the midst of our relationship. guess everything was a dream, a dream that could never come true. perhaps it is just karma, when she is trying to patch with someone else back then, and i got too close to her that we ended attached. and it is happening to me as well.