my life is damn sian..

for the past few months, there has always been the "to do or not to do" questions in my head. i really mean ALWAYS. this time its even worse, i got 2 TWO. first, my ex-gf has a xmas party going on this saturday, and obviously i wasnt invited, but thats not the main point. i kinda miss her family and especially, the two kids NIGEL and IAN. it has been like... ages since i last saw them. i really wanted to make good use of this chance to visit them. but then, i find that if i go as an uninvited guest, kinda ass right? thats the damn problem. so i was thinking, perhaps i go at night, say i am sending someone home and passed by her house, then give her family and the kids the present that i am going to buy for them. but then, BUT THEN, i am still turning up as an uninvited guest. and i dont know if its appropriate for a ex-bf to turn at his ex-gf's house when she already brought her new bf to her house. am i being an ass if i do so? thats the damn problem!!! I DUNNO WAD TO DO!! should i just pass the gifts to yueli or hannqian to help me pass the gifts to her family and the 2 kids? i am confused. and the party is in 2 days. if i am going i will have to at least let her know first... what to do? i dont mind asking someone to help me, but then i really want to see the 2 kids. i dont know why but i just miss them damn alot. was always hearing them scream and laugh and smile. haiz. wad to do wad to do. someone help me. alright thats the first problem, here comes the second one. i have to say it very vaguely to not let out too much info. should i or should i not, say the truth? perhaps i am not even sure if thats how i really feel. but then when the chance is there, i should at least try and perhaps it might work out. but then... ehh i found out i got alot of "BUT THENs" in my sentences. haha... anyway, if i say the truth, i might lose this friend of mine. right now she is the only few people talking to me and perhaps i feel like talking to. if she decided to ignore after this, i am gonna go crazy la. seriously crazy. shit i like making darn obvious ah!!! nvm. so i am like in a dont know what to do situation. friends around like telling me go for it. you two look great together and stuff. but then, i wry its just momentarily. but then, if its momentarily, the feeling wont last till now right?!?! my heart and mind is messing with me. SO HOW? SO HOW? SO HOW? i really dunno what to do... p.s. i am sure isaac gonna say something bout this blog post.